Holli was the first granddaughter, the first one to graduate high school, the first one to go to college and now she is the first one to die.
Holli was not only my daughter but my best friend. She drove me crazy at times but in the end she was always there for me and she knew I would always be there for her. I have never pictured my life without her. I never thought I would have to.
She was going to be there to help me when the time comes that my parents were to pass away~she always knew just what I needed to hear and could make me feel better. I was to be there for her wedding to kiss her, to hug her and to tell her how beautiful she is. She would talk me through my scares with cancer and tell me everything would be alright. I was to be there when she had her children to tell her how good she did and how proud I was of her. She listened to me gripe about stuff and let me get all my frustrations out and then she knew I would feel better. I listened to her laugh about how much stuff costs when she had to use her money and it didn't seem to cost that much when she used mine. She always told me she loved me before she hung up the phone, and would always kiss me before she left me. She tried to bring everyone together in her life and in her death she did.
She would be so proud of how everybody pulled together and were there for each other. When I sit on the bench at her grave, I can feel her sitting next to me.
She had so much life in her that I cannot believe it was taken away. How do I live without her? How do I face each day knowing she is not here?
I still call her cell phone and listen to her voice and then leave a message telling her I love her even though I know she won't get the message.
I wake up in the morning and know that she is not coming by to see me. I know that she will not be here to kiss me goodnight nor can I kiss her. When I have a bad day, I cannot pick up the phone and call her and have her tell me that everything will be ok.
I count down the days that it has been since I saw her last. I try to remember our last conversation. I try to remember.....but the hurt stands in the way.
I thought when Jeremy got out of jail this time that things were going to be ok. If he got into trouble, then he would go away for 17 years and she could go on with her life. If he didn't get in trouble again, then great, he would finally be growing up and make her a good husband.
Never in my life did I even think he would be responsible for her death.
I had every intention of standing behind Jeremy through whatever was to come his way from this accident. He made a big mistake that cost Holli her life and I couldn't even imagine what I would feel like if I was responsible for the death of the one I love.
But I soon learned that while I was burying my daughter, Jeremy was blaming her for the wreck. He says she was driving.
We visit her at her grave every day. We look at her picture on her headstone and wonder why this had to happen to her.
Our hearts are broken and our lives will never be the same without her.